Not-so-Useless Inventions

Those Stupid Inventions May Just be for Real!

Dec 14, 2008

Various lists of "Useless Inventions" have been around for half a century or more. But are they really all that dumb? Maybe it's time to think outside the box!

They've been called, at various times and places, "Greatest Ukrainian Inventions", "Best Polish Inventions", "World's Most Stupid Inventions", and in the most recent incarnation, "Blonde Inventions". Various lists have different contents, but some of the most common are examined here. All of them (almost) are real and readily available.

Blonde Inventions

The following is a list of some of the more popular so-called 'blonde' inventions.

On the face of it, those are all pretty stupid ideas. But think again. Engineering and technology don't stand still. Creative individuals around the world have made these real. Or have they?

The Waterproof Towel

United States Patent 4278719 is for "a waterproof backed beach towel comprising an absorbent cover sheet of terrycloth having a soft pile side and a smooth back side, the back side being disposed in face-to-face juxtaposition with a backing sheet of waterproof nylon." Sold under the brand name "Beach Buddy".

Solar Powered Flashlight

Solar-powered flashlights can be bought in various configurations at most stores these days, for reasonable prices.

The invention of more efficient solar cells and high-intensity white LEDs have made these practical and useful. One version can even be used as a battery-powered battery charger (another item often found on "dumb invention" lists). The solar cell charges the main battery pack, which can then be used to recharge an iPod or cell phone even when the sun don't shine.

Submarine Screen Door

"Now there are times," writes commentator Jane Chastain on networld.com, "when a screen door might be of some use. An argument could be made that on rare occasions when the sub is on the surface of the ocean it could keep out a few misplaced sea gulls. " Or lost insects.

The inquisitive reader might want to check out the submarine screen door photo spoof at uncyclopedia.

"How to Read a Book" by Mortimer Adler was published in 1940 and has been updated many times since. Good book. Worth reading.

Mortimer Adler and Charles Van Doren apparently made a series of thirteen 14-minute videos (produced by Encyclopaedia Britannica) on the art of reading. Now, that takes irony to a higher level.

Inflatable Dart Board

"This cool inflatable game comes complete with darts and a puncture repair kit, just in case you fail to control one of your throws. A real novelty game," according to Paramount Zone, an online store that carries it in the UK (try StrangeMall in the US).

Glow in the Dark Sunglasses

Shoot, who wouldn't want to be able to find the sunglasses they've dropped in a dark theater? These can be bought online at Party Merchant's Giant Party Store in their Outer Space section for just over a dollar a pair. Live long and prosper!

Ejector Seat in a Helicopter

This oldie pictures an upward ejection, with the pilot sliced like an egg by the whirling rotors, and hence a useless idea. But what it the rotors weren't there?

According to Wikipedia, The Kamov Ka-50 Black Shark dual rotor aerobatic attack helicopter was the first chopper to be fitted with an upwards ejection seat in around 1995. The rotor blades are fastened to the hub by means of explosive bolts. Microseconds before pilot ejection, the blades are blown free.

Powdered Water

The site Improbable dot com reports that "The National Cash Register Company has been successful in producing powdered water for industrial use.The powder is manufactured by coating tiny particles of water with gelatin. Although dry to the touch, the powder can easily be crushed or dissolved to a liquid state."

The technique has been to coat bank deposit slips and other forms so that carbon copies can be made without the use of carbon paper. A "useless invention" that's proven to be wonderfully useful.

Pedal-powered Wheel Chair

By definition, a wheelchair is a chair with wheels. For those who cannot walk but can still pedal, try the Speedy Pedalofit from UK companies Speedy Bikes and Bromakin Wheelchairs. For others, here are any number of pedal-powered reclining bicycles, tricycles and quadricycles that qualify as pedal-powered wheelchairs.

Readers can check out Patent 4674762 at the USPTO site, or Google Alternative Vehicles or Reclining Bicycles/Tricycles/Quadricycles (in any spelling!) to find some green alternatives to that gas-guzzling, pollution-spewing SUV. And yes, some of the pedal quads and trikes go off-road.

Water-proof Tea Bag

This is not such a bad idea. Most people do want to keep tea dry until it's needed, right? Otherwise, it goes moldy and stains whatever it touches. Try a survival kit in a sardine can from ThinkGeek, or put a tea bag into one of those little zip-lock parts bags from a hobby store. Backpackers, it's worth noting, have used tricks like this for years.

Real or Spoof?

Once you check them out, you'll find that almost all of these "useless inventions" are in fact real products. One is an outright spoof, and some are "fudged" a little, but none of them is quite as stupid as they might appear.

Today's "dumb invention" is tomorrow's handy gadget. It's worth keeping this in mind the next time you see one of those lists that runs down the intelligence of some group or other.

The copyright of the article Not-so-Useless Inventions in Engineering is owned by Thomas Alan Gray. Permission to republish Not-so-Useless Inventions in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.